This is page 2 of Kevin Genner`s favourite written jokes

The Kevs Story Jokes Page 2

Welcome to "The Kev"

The German & The Prostitute

A German tourist asks a prostitute for sex and she tells him it's £20.

"Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky." She agrees that this is okay as long as he doesn't do anything violent.

They get back to her place and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.

"I want you to put on one of these on each elbow and one on each knee," he asks.

The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.

The he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I shag you," he tells her. So he's humping her from behind while she is bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.

Suddenly she starts to really enjoy the sex - so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had. .... . After they have finished she says, "Wow! That was the most fantastic sex I've had in 15 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," the German replies. "Foursprung duck technique."

Help Wanted (The Dog Story)

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".

Little Johnny on Philosophy

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU."

“There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied; “Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Posh & Becks

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously, "What are you doing?"

Posh stutters a reply, "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack."

"Oh! no!" he cries in despair, "I'll call an ambulance."

He runs downstairs picks, up the phone and begins dialling 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "Whats the matter, son," asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy," sniffles Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckhan runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.

"You w*nker Giggsy," screams Becks, "My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring Brooklyn."

The Genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Amazing" he said. "Your both Thirty-five years old & still believe in Genies?"